i opened blogger to blog.
and i stared at an empty
page for the past 20min.
and i started stoning in
front of the com.
i dunno why im feeling
like this. i hate myself for
behaving this way.
it opposing how i usually
behave for the past 19 years.
say im a coward,
whatever.
but i dont like these new things
appearing that are outside my
comfort circle.
i find that i express my problems
more and rather then making
myself feel better somehow i
end up feeling more vulnerable.
its like suddenly my defence wall
to the world has vanished.
*poof*
without leaving me any way to
hide myself behind my exterior.
i feel that im becoming more
emotionally attached to things,
to people.
its not necessarily a bad thing
but in some circumstances i dont
really like this part of myself.
and maybe its cause im not used
to it.
and its like im becoming more and
more reliant on things and people.
i feel like im becoming a child.
like i seem to enjoy my daily
routine and pattern and
suddenly when my plan changes
i get upset easily.
like VERY easily.
and like the fact i have a soft side
to him so much that im freaking
behaving out of my personality.
like freaking hell.
and yes i know he is trying.
but maybe he is not doing the
right thing.
cause i really try very hard to
feel ok, to pick up my mood.
but its not working.
what is emitting from me is just
the fake enthusiasm that i used
to potray when i was in cedar.
the kind i use when im emo-ing
and i dont want to affect others.
the trying-to-put-up-a-brave-front
kinda thing that i used to do.
LIKE the purple gummy bear
photo i took! hahaha.
the emo gummy with a smile.LOL.
and i feel frustrated when i keep
giving myself hope and then i
see it dashed.
it happens so often im surprised
im even affected by it.
its like sat im just reduced to
sitting in the middle of nowhere
crying,
and not able to utter a single
syllable even with his constant
prodding.
i feel so hurt i couldnt even express
it in words. i just slumped there
not knowing what to do.
and after wasting time for hell
knows how long i just went home.
maybe one of these days i might
realise i stop giving myself hope.
but i dont tink im going to like the
outcome.
crap.
im willing myself to stop emo-ing.
:3
我怀念的 是无话不说
我怀念的 是一起作梦
我怀念的 是争吵以后
还是想要 爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口
谁 记得
谁 忘了
(我怀念的-孙燕姿)
so what happens next?
and i stared at an empty
page for the past 20min.
and i started stoning in
front of the com.
i dunno why im feeling
like this. i hate myself for
behaving this way.
it opposing how i usually
behave for the past 19 years.
say im a coward,
whatever.
but i dont like these new things
appearing that are outside my
comfort circle.
i find that i express my problems
more and rather then making
myself feel better somehow i
end up feeling more vulnerable.
its like suddenly my defence wall
to the world has vanished.
*poof*
without leaving me any way to
hide myself behind my exterior.
i feel that im becoming more
emotionally attached to things,
to people.
its not necessarily a bad thing
but in some circumstances i dont
really like this part of myself.
and maybe its cause im not used
to it.
and its like im becoming more and
more reliant on things and people.
i feel like im becoming a child.
like i seem to enjoy my daily
routine and pattern and
suddenly when my plan changes
i get upset easily.
like VERY easily.
and like the fact i have a soft side
to him so much that im freaking
behaving out of my personality.
like freaking hell.
and yes i know he is trying.
but maybe he is not doing the
right thing.
cause i really try very hard to
feel ok, to pick up my mood.
but its not working.
what is emitting from me is just
the fake enthusiasm that i used
to potray when i was in cedar.
the kind i use when im emo-ing
and i dont want to affect others.
the trying-to-put-up-a-brave-front
kinda thing that i used to do.
LIKE the purple gummy bear
photo i took! hahaha.
the emo gummy with a smile.LOL.
and i feel frustrated when i keep
giving myself hope and then i
see it dashed.
it happens so often im surprised
im even affected by it.
its like sat im just reduced to
sitting in the middle of nowhere
crying,
and not able to utter a single
syllable even with his constant
prodding.
i feel so hurt i couldnt even express
it in words. i just slumped there
not knowing what to do.
and after wasting time for hell
knows how long i just went home.
maybe one of these days i might
realise i stop giving myself hope.
but i dont tink im going to like the
outcome.
crap.
im willing myself to stop emo-ing.
:3
我怀念的 是无话不说
我怀念的 是一起作梦
我怀念的 是争吵以后
还是想要 爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口
谁 记得
谁 忘了
(我怀念的-孙燕姿)
so what happens next?
